this is real.

He loves like a hurricane; I am a tree.

I'm writing with a heavy and slightly broken heart. Why, you ask? If you were to ask such a question I'd probably respond with something deep and artistic; that had tons of sentimental meaning. But it would leave you with no actual answer. It would only cause you to ponder the meaning of life and why you're breathing every moment even when you don't tell yourself to. So think to yourself what an answer like that would sound like, and there you have it: go ahead, think of it right now. There it is:

It's funny how we're called to give our lives away. Paul said that for him to live was Christ, and do die was gain. Jesus called us to give everything we had, because those who favored their lives over Him were unworthy of Himself. During my personal growth in Jesus I've realized how much Jesus is worth. And that He's worth so much more than I'll ever be able to comprehend. So a life of this sort is what I know I desire to have. But It's so easy to become sidetracked; to lose focus; to forget. I also speak as the worst owner of a heart you'll ever meet. And I'm afraid that as I'm getting older I'm not only bad at keeping my own heart from pain, but that tendency is dangerously close to hurting the hearts of others. I fear my passion and emotional-ness (isn't that deep of me?) may be the culprits. But they're also who I am, and so to excuse them would be a mistake; rather, I must learn how to control them. However, there seems to be a perk. There seems to be some hope. There seems to be a light. Because in this whole crazy scheme of things, I am still Jesus' Beloved. He still paid the price, just for me. He still treasures me, and my heart, above anything else. And when I go and do what I'm so good at doing, He never leaves. He never forgets about me. He never walks away. He stands at the place where I should be, watching me go while His heart breaks at the sight of my self inflicted pain. Then when I sit there long enough, and realize that it hurts and that I'm not doing what I should. Then it happens. He only has to say it once. He only has to say it.

"I love you."

and the words are enough because they're His. He is all I need forever. He is more than enough. And as I pick up the broken pieces and go back to His feet, He takes them all and starts to break them even more. It hurts, yes. But what is pain at this point? I have Jesus again now. And eventually He'll put it completely back together and He'll give it back to me. But the catch is for me to give it to Him. Because that's when I'll have true freedom. And that's when the pain will no longer be my friend.

Jesus has been moving in me. He got me out of the spot I thought I wanted to be in, even though I knew deep down that it probably wasn't right. He's blessed me so much more than I'll ever be able to understand. And He's given me hope; life; a future; and peace. Because He is. I'm still growing, I'm still bleeding now and then. But He's enough. And I'm in the right place now. Because I'm with Him. And He's causing all things to fall into place. I don't know where I'll be going in the near, or especially the far, future. But I'm learning that He's enough. And I'm excited to be in His hands once again.

Back Up The Bus..

Alright, bear with me right now.. I'm having flashbacks to late summer 2007. I'm emailing a dear friend, listening to TFK, and just chilling. I love how certain music, especially certain songs, can totally transport you to another time. It's so crazy how the mind works. And there's also something awesome about how these songs bring me back, and then suddenly I'm overcome by how far God's brought me. Sometimes, still, I so easily get down on myself. And I feel like I'm such a mess.

I am such a mess! -there I go.

But you know what I'm learning this week (for probably the millionth time.)? I'm never going to get it on my own. I'm never going to be good enough. And that's the point! If I were ever able to be good enough, I wouldn't need Jesus. I've been reading a lot in Ephesians, and I was reading Galatians tonight too. It's so incredible. Because Jesus loved me so much He died for me while I was a mess.. fully knowing I'd always be a mess! And who am I to think that after being given a free gift of Grace that allows me to live, who am I to think that I'll be able to grow or progress in that grace by my own strength? If it were about my own strength, I would have never received the grace! That's such a hard thing to grasp. But it's so freeing! It's so miraculous.

Being confident of this that He [Jesus] who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. - Philippians 1:6

"My biggest mistake in life has been overlooking the Joy that's right in front of me."

With summer on the horizon and Switchfoot live on the radio, I strangely find myself in the mood to write. What will I write? I'm not sure anyone could ever know. But together we'll find out. - It's interesting in life how we go through cycles. We learn one lesson; climb one mountain; love one fashion; and then we move on. Later though, as if life's originality is limited to only a few different schemes, things come back again. And we feel as if we're right back where we started. Learning the same lessons we broke over before, and trying the same things that caused failure the last time. Is this life? Is this what everyone faces? I wouldn't be surprised. But this cycle of which I speak, is the very thing that frustrates my heart. It's what causes me more trouble than I know what to deal with. Because as I think of, talk about, and live this cycle; I have the constant reminder that Jesus died to set me free from this. He gave everything He had, only for me. And just so that my life would be more than this. More than a silly cycle that causes scars I can't heal on my own. If only I could trust Him. Is that the answer? I feel like it must be. Because Jesus is always the answer. And even though I cannot comprehend it; He's always faithful.

I think the answer being right in front of me may be what makes life so simply complex.

I have the power to be a winner, I have the answer to the question; I have the key that will lead me to the source of peace. And yet I look past it every time the wind blows me over.

and that's exactly why I know this: I am not my own. nothing I do will ever last, because I can't do anything right. so what makes me think the right things that I happen to be apart of are myself? only a fool would be convinced of such.

So I'll pick myself up again every time. And I'll grab hold, again, to the Hand that won't let me go.

How refreshing. How peculiar. How spectacular.

This is my hope.

john 10:10.

Become Who You Are; It Happens Once In A Lifetime.

the music plays through my mind. and it's like the melody is flooding through my veins. am i the only one who's effected by this in such a powerful way? it doesn't even matter. i gasp for breath and i close my eyes. i want to scream; i want to run; this is what i was made for.

i promise. i promise.

and yet with such a strong drive, i still get confused as to where i belong. is this really what i'm made for? could i just be fooling myself? who's actually fooling who? because sometimes it gets cloudy, and i'm not sure what's happening around me. nevertheless, there is one thing i know.

and that's Jesus.

it's funny. i can get myself so confused trying to figure out my life. trying to figure out who i am. trying to figure out what's so significant about me. trying to figure out what i've got to offer. and then all it takes is one simple call,

"Jesus, i need You."

and there He is. and it becomes so much clearer. it doesn't always become obvious. in fact it's almost yet to ever be obvious. but in Jesus i have peace. because i know that He knows. i know that i know that He knows. and i know that He has such a big plan for me.

i'm promised. i'm promised.

and so i let it flow. i let myself get excited. i let myself rest in Him. and i try to surrender everything else. because He is going to work everything out in His time. and for now even though i feel like i don't know anything, i know He knows it all. and that's all i need to know.

This Is My Hero.

..earthly hero, that is. ;)

my flag is turning white.

So awhile ago I read a book called "Passion and Purity" by Elizabeth Elliot. (Fantastic read, definitely check it out.) And it really touched me. Just today I stumbled upon a segment that I shared with some of my close friends and again I was really moved. Here's the portion I shared with them:

The growth of all living green things wonderfully represents the process of receiving and relinquishing, gaining and losing, living and dying. The seed must be a splitting and a breaking in order for a bud to form. The bud "lets go" when the flower forms. The calyx lets go of the flower. The petals must curl up and die in order for the fruit to form. The fruit falls, splits, relinquishes the seed. The seed falls into the ground...

There is no ongoing spiritual life without this process of letting go. At the precise point where we refuse, growth stops. If we hold rightly to anything given to us, unwilling to let it go when the times come to let it go or unwilling to allow it to be used as the Giver means it to be used, we stunt the growth of the soul.

It is easy to make a mistake here. "If God gave it to me," we say, "its mine. I can do what I want with it." No. The truth is that it is ours to thank Him for and ours to offer back to Him, ours to relinquish, ours to lose, ours to let go of -- if we want to find our true selves, if we want real Life, if our hearts are set on glory.

Think of the self that God has given as an acorn. It is a marvelous little thing, a perfect shape, perfectly designed for its purpose, perfectly functional. Think of the grand glory of an oak tree. God's intention when He made the acorn was the oak tree. His intention of us is "...the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ." Many deaths must go into our reaching that measure, many letting-goes. When you look at the oak tree, you don't feel that the "loss of the acorn is a very great loss. The more you perceive God's purpose in your life the less terrible will the losses seem.

...

We (are) being asked to trust, to leave the planning to God. God's ultimate plan (is) as far beyond our imaginings as the oak tree is from the acorn's imaginings. The acorn does what it was made to do, without pestering its Maker with questions about when and how and why. We who have been given an intelligence and a will and a whole range of wants that can be set against the diving Pattern for Good are asked to believe Him. We are given the chance to trust Him when He says to us, "...if any man will let himself be lost for my sake, he will find his true self."

When will we find it? we ask. The answer is, Trust Me.

How will we find it? The answer again is, Trust Me.

Why must I let myself be lost? we persist. The answer is, Look at the acorn and trust Me.

I love how this relates to me right now; again. Even though I learned a lesson once doesn't mean it's stuck. It's so important that I learn to let go. Surrender. It's kind of a funny thing for me. I try so hard to not try. But God's grace is always there. And I know, deep inside of me, that when I let it go to Him it's always better. It's always worth it. It's sometimes scary. And it usually involves even more risk and surrender down the line. But my Jesus is faithful and loving. And He always gets me through.

So even though something feels great now, and I'm wanting it more and more. I'm going to try my hardest to let it go. Because I know that Jesus is stronger; bigger; more. than what I'm holding onto. And when I trust Him, He works all things together for good. And not just my good! His good. And His good is ten times better than anything I could ever imagine.