He loves like a hurricane; I am a tree.

I'm writing with a heavy and slightly broken heart. Why, you ask? If you were to ask such a question I'd probably respond with something deep and artistic; that had tons of sentimental meaning. But it would leave you with no actual answer. It would only cause you to ponder the meaning of life and why you're breathing every moment even when you don't tell yourself to. So think to yourself what an answer like that would sound like, and there you have it: go ahead, think of it right now. There it is:

It's funny how we're called to give our lives away. Paul said that for him to live was Christ, and do die was gain. Jesus called us to give everything we had, because those who favored their lives over Him were unworthy of Himself. During my personal growth in Jesus I've realized how much Jesus is worth. And that He's worth so much more than I'll ever be able to comprehend. So a life of this sort is what I know I desire to have. But It's so easy to become sidetracked; to lose focus; to forget. I also speak as the worst owner of a heart you'll ever meet. And I'm afraid that as I'm getting older I'm not only bad at keeping my own heart from pain, but that tendency is dangerously close to hurting the hearts of others. I fear my passion and emotional-ness (isn't that deep of me?) may be the culprits. But they're also who I am, and so to excuse them would be a mistake; rather, I must learn how to control them. However, there seems to be a perk. There seems to be some hope. There seems to be a light. Because in this whole crazy scheme of things, I am still Jesus' Beloved. He still paid the price, just for me. He still treasures me, and my heart, above anything else. And when I go and do what I'm so good at doing, He never leaves. He never forgets about me. He never walks away. He stands at the place where I should be, watching me go while His heart breaks at the sight of my self inflicted pain. Then when I sit there long enough, and realize that it hurts and that I'm not doing what I should. Then it happens. He only has to say it once. He only has to say it.

"I love you."

and the words are enough because they're His. He is all I need forever. He is more than enough. And as I pick up the broken pieces and go back to His feet, He takes them all and starts to break them even more. It hurts, yes. But what is pain at this point? I have Jesus again now. And eventually He'll put it completely back together and He'll give it back to me. But the catch is for me to give it to Him. Because that's when I'll have true freedom. And that's when the pain will no longer be my friend.

Jesus has been moving in me. He got me out of the spot I thought I wanted to be in, even though I knew deep down that it probably wasn't right. He's blessed me so much more than I'll ever be able to understand. And He's given me hope; life; a future; and peace. Because He is. I'm still growing, I'm still bleeding now and then. But He's enough. And I'm in the right place now. Because I'm with Him. And He's causing all things to fall into place. I don't know where I'll be going in the near, or especially the far, future. But I'm learning that He's enough. And I'm excited to be in His hands once again.

"My biggest mistake in life has been overlooking the Joy that's right in front of me."

With summer on the horizon and Switchfoot live on the radio, I strangely find myself in the mood to write. What will I write? I'm not sure anyone could ever know. But together we'll find out. - It's interesting in life how we go through cycles. We learn one lesson; climb one mountain; love one fashion; and then we move on. Later though, as if life's originality is limited to only a few different schemes, things come back again. And we feel as if we're right back where we started. Learning the same lessons we broke over before, and trying the same things that caused failure the last time. Is this life? Is this what everyone faces? I wouldn't be surprised. But this cycle of which I speak, is the very thing that frustrates my heart. It's what causes me more trouble than I know what to deal with. Because as I think of, talk about, and live this cycle; I have the constant reminder that Jesus died to set me free from this. He gave everything He had, only for me. And just so that my life would be more than this. More than a silly cycle that causes scars I can't heal on my own. If only I could trust Him. Is that the answer? I feel like it must be. Because Jesus is always the answer. And even though I cannot comprehend it; He's always faithful.

I think the answer being right in front of me may be what makes life so simply complex.

I have the power to be a winner, I have the answer to the question; I have the key that will lead me to the source of peace. And yet I look past it every time the wind blows me over.

and that's exactly why I know this: I am not my own. nothing I do will ever last, because I can't do anything right. so what makes me think the right things that I happen to be apart of are myself? only a fool would be convinced of such.

So I'll pick myself up again every time. And I'll grab hold, again, to the Hand that won't let me go.

How refreshing. How peculiar. How spectacular.

This is my hope.

john 10:10.

my flag is turning white.

So awhile ago I read a book called "Passion and Purity" by Elizabeth Elliot. (Fantastic read, definitely check it out.) And it really touched me. Just today I stumbled upon a segment that I shared with some of my close friends and again I was really moved. Here's the portion I shared with them:

The growth of all living green things wonderfully represents the process of receiving and relinquishing, gaining and losing, living and dying. The seed must be a splitting and a breaking in order for a bud to form. The bud "lets go" when the flower forms. The calyx lets go of the flower. The petals must curl up and die in order for the fruit to form. The fruit falls, splits, relinquishes the seed. The seed falls into the ground...

There is no ongoing spiritual life without this process of letting go. At the precise point where we refuse, growth stops. If we hold rightly to anything given to us, unwilling to let it go when the times come to let it go or unwilling to allow it to be used as the Giver means it to be used, we stunt the growth of the soul.

It is easy to make a mistake here. "If God gave it to me," we say, "its mine. I can do what I want with it." No. The truth is that it is ours to thank Him for and ours to offer back to Him, ours to relinquish, ours to lose, ours to let go of -- if we want to find our true selves, if we want real Life, if our hearts are set on glory.

Think of the self that God has given as an acorn. It is a marvelous little thing, a perfect shape, perfectly designed for its purpose, perfectly functional. Think of the grand glory of an oak tree. God's intention when He made the acorn was the oak tree. His intention of us is "...the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ." Many deaths must go into our reaching that measure, many letting-goes. When you look at the oak tree, you don't feel that the "loss of the acorn is a very great loss. The more you perceive God's purpose in your life the less terrible will the losses seem.

...

We (are) being asked to trust, to leave the planning to God. God's ultimate plan (is) as far beyond our imaginings as the oak tree is from the acorn's imaginings. The acorn does what it was made to do, without pestering its Maker with questions about when and how and why. We who have been given an intelligence and a will and a whole range of wants that can be set against the diving Pattern for Good are asked to believe Him. We are given the chance to trust Him when He says to us, "...if any man will let himself be lost for my sake, he will find his true self."

When will we find it? we ask. The answer is, Trust Me.

How will we find it? The answer again is, Trust Me.

Why must I let myself be lost? we persist. The answer is, Look at the acorn and trust Me.

I love how this relates to me right now; again. Even though I learned a lesson once doesn't mean it's stuck. It's so important that I learn to let go. Surrender. It's kind of a funny thing for me. I try so hard to not try. But God's grace is always there. And I know, deep inside of me, that when I let it go to Him it's always better. It's always worth it. It's sometimes scary. And it usually involves even more risk and surrender down the line. But my Jesus is faithful and loving. And He always gets me through.

So even though something feels great now, and I'm wanting it more and more. I'm going to try my hardest to let it go. Because I know that Jesus is stronger; bigger; more. than what I'm holding onto. And when I trust Him, He works all things together for good. And not just my good! His good. And His good is ten times better than anything I could ever imagine.

My Passion.

This is a paper I wrote for English class, and I'm actually surprised at how good it is. So I thought I'd share it with ya'll.

I think you all can, and will agree with me when I say that music is a part of everyone’s life. In fact, I think it would be quite a challenge to find someone who actually does not enjoy music. There are so many different genres of music that relate to all different kinds of people; it’s almost impossible for someone to not like any of it.

Now granted, there are those “music freaks” out there who claim to love everything from rap to rock to alternative. (I would be one of them) But then, there are also people who love country, and that’s just weird. But what I’m trying to get across is that these genres ensure that everybody at least has a certain band or song that they enjoy.

With that being said, I’m reminded of the Christian genre of music. Religious music has always been a part of everyone’s culture in some way. But when the Contemporary Christian music movement began, a lot of it was, well... cheesy. Now that I’ve said that I’m happy to say that Christian music has indeed come a long way. It’s no longer the cheesy, rhyming song, that’s made up of about three guitar chords; singing of a life of sunflowers and happiness that never faces pain. There are now Christian artists in every genre you can think of, and there is a lot of talent behind their ministries. Christian band are also starting to get a lot more recognition for their talent and growing popularity.

All of this is actually a great thing! Music influences a lot of people. And there are tons of people who would never purposely step foot into a church, but they’d definitely listen to a new band or song. So with so many good Christian bands sharing hope through their music; there are now many, many more witnessing opportunities for these types of people.

Not only are these opportunities available in a larger scale now, but many times they bring results. There are countless stories of people who have been ministered to unsuspectingly through music. And the cool thing about Christian artists is that they don’t just sing music that touches people, but they also have their own personal testimonies of God in their life. A lot of times when people like music they want to know more about the artist behind it; and that opens a great opportunity to share Christ. There’s nothing better when sharing Jesus with someone than a person who walks the walk and lives their faith out loud, all the time.

Concerts are another awesome opportunity to share Jesus. When you go to a concert you’re probably excited to be there to see at least one of the bands playing; otherwise you wouldn’t be at the concert. And I know from experience how thrilling a good concert can be. So this gives Christian musicians an opportunity to tell fans why they’re writing the songs they’re writing, what the songs mean, or how God’s worked in their lives. It’s just a different kind of atmosphere and people are more likely to listen and connect with what’s being said.

I honestly believe that God uses music in powerful ways in people’s lives. And it thrills me to no end whenever I hear a story of a life being changed through music that at some point pointed them to God when maybe nothing else could have. It just blows me away!

So I’m going to wrap this up, but I want to make sure you know I don’t think it’s an easy task to share Jesus through music. In fact, I’m convinced it’s quite the challenge. You have to work extra hard to make sure your heart is right, and you’re motives are pure. But when you do keep your heart right, and in tune with God; big, crazy things happen. And when people have a passion for Jesus and a passion for music, and they in turn give themselves to God for His use, great things do happen. And lives are changed forever.

a Hope in the Darkness.

It was a crisp, fall day. The kind of day where the sky is shining blue, the grass is bright green, and the leaves on the trees are so orange and red that you wish you could take a million photographs. A girl was on her way to something new. She wished she could tell you what that was, but that would have been impossible. She had been walking for hours, taking everything in. breathing. Her wavy dark hair blew with the breeze, and as she came to a clearing she looked up. There stood a huge, red barn. It had two great big, wooden, sliding doors. And it looked as if it had been painted yesterday.

“How?” she wondered, “how could it look so nice? No one lives out here.” She slowly approached the building, wondering if possibly she had wandered onto private property and should turn away. Inside though, she knew that she was somehow exactly where she needed to be. She slowly lifted her hand, and gently touched the big red door. It was as if everything were in slow motion. Next she brought her other hand to join the first. Then as if taken over by a burst of energy, she slid the door with all her might; and, and.. it opened!

She stood in awe for a moment at what she saw inside. Then she walked in.

Inside were shelves and shelves of books. Books of all sorts, different sizes, different colors; but all in perfect condition. She walked in cautiously, though less unsure now. When she got to the middle of the Barn she looked up, and there she saw a loft. And in the loft was a man. He was sitting in a big, leather chair, looking down happily at her.

She looked down at herself and then back at him, trying to figure out why he was looking at her with such a contented look. Though some people in this situation would have been frightened, the girl was quite at ease. She looked around and saw the latter to the loft, and then she walked towards it.

“No need.” The man said when he saw where she was headed. “I’ll be right down.”

And with the most graceful movements the girl had ever seen, the calm man made his way down to her. When he was beside her, she realized how big this man was. But not a strange big, or even a scary big. It was a comforting big. His kindness was as evident as his power. She couldn’t stop looking at him. He chuckled.

“You don’t know exactly what it is you’re looking at, do you?” He asked.

She hardly felt worthy enough to speak so she slowly shook her head.

“All of this,” He said as if he had already knew what she was going to say. “Is yours. Each one of these books has everything about you, everything you’ve ever learned, and everything you’ve felt in them. And then the rest of the books are things that you’ve yet to learn, experience, and feel.”

Her eyes grew wide. She looked around her and there were so many books she couldn’t even count them all. Could this possibly be true?

“But.. how?” she whispered.

“Oh, it’s very easy to understand. If you’re willing.” The man said again with a smile. “you see, I am your Keeper. I know everything about you; where you’ve been and where you’re going..”

“But that,” she interrupted. “That’s exactly what astonishes me. I’m not so sure I can go on. I’m not so sure it’s worth it anymore.”

The man smiled to himself, almost with a sadness, then he put his big, sturdy arm around the girl and continued:

“Don’t you see? I know you can go on. That’s why you’re here. You may think it’s not worth it to take another breath. But look.. Look at all of the books. You’ve got so much left that I have written for you. It’s not over, trust me.”

She was still confused, but inside of her she knew it would be foolish to not believe this Man.

“Won’t you trust me?” he asked again. “You’ve got so much more to live for.”

She looked around once more, and then looked for the first time into the eyes of the Man. She almost lost her footing, his eyes were so deep. So full of a love that she had never experienced before. This was a love she has often longed for, but never found. And not only was there love, but there was truth. A deep truth in His eyes that made her believe.

She smiled. “Yes, yes I think I will.”

The Man smiled and laughed a hearty laugh full of joy. Then He hugged her with a big hug and said, “I promise you, if you keep trusting me, we’ll make it out alive.”

Suddenly everything went dark. The girl opened her eyes and she was back on the bedroom floor. She could see the shadows from the streetlights outside, and she could hear the rain pounding on the window. The blood was still fresh, and the room still lacked another human. But now she had a peace. There was Someone who was with her, this was going to be okay. She slowly sat up, still feeling dizzy from the pills. She tried to prop herself up, but her arm was still stinging. She leaned against the bed and looked to her right. There, on her nightstand, was a bible. She had never seen it before. She reached over and grabbed it, then opened it, and then she read it.