Man, I'm done with cool.

:not once in life have i been real. but I've never felt this close before:

It's a crazy thought.

For my whole life I've been working, striving, and trying to make myself into someone that I thought I was. The cool person who has it all together, yet is full of layers. The person who's significant and loved. The person who doesn't care what everyone thinks; and yet spends her life working to make sure they think that. The person who tried to define herself by the things she loved. did. and wanted. Because that would make her real.

Well I'm learning lately that, contrary to what I believed, that is not the real me. In fact, I don't know very much at all about the real me. I've been living a lie that was so thick, I had even believed it. Isn't that a scary thought?

But imagine this: Jesus, the One who made my insides and outsides. The One who knows every single, teeny, little thing about me. He has been by my side through all of this. And He's the only one who knows the real me. The right me. The me that He wants me to be.

I'll be honest with you. I was shocked when I realized my own illegitimacy. And at first I was scared because I didn't know even where to begin to find myself. But the incredible thing is that I was immediately reminded Jesus is always right here. (and He's always the best place to start.)

So now I'm on a process. A process to become the real, legitimate, person that Jesus made me to be. And it's tough, because I'm finding out that I can't be defined by what I do; what I like; and the hardest one to chew on, what I listen to. Because, to my surprise, I'm so much more than that. And though it requires letting go of a lot. In fact, letting go of everything. And it's going to hurt a little; probably a lot at some points. I know, deep down in my heart, that letting Jesus make me, me.. is the best plan I could ever go with.

It won't be easy. I've already found that out. But good things seldom are easy.

Rocks don't turn into beautiful stones without fire.

People don't grow without pain.

matthew 16:24. hebrews 12:1-8. psalm 139. romans 9:25

"Behold, I come quickly!"

Today I realized how long it's been since I've blogged. ;) Life gets crazy, and Facebook steals my time. So I apologize to those three people in the world who ever glance at my blog..

Today is also a good day for me to stumble into my blog, because I actually have something to say that may be worth reading. At church today my Pastor talked about Jesus second coming. He talked about how Jesus coming back is: definite, it's been delayed, and immanent. And the whole message had a major effect on me.
I've always been taught about Jesus coming back. And I've always heard people say things like "He's coming soon! Be ready!" But today I was actually persuaded that Jesus will be coming back, very soon. (If you're curious for more from the message, let me know and we'll talk.)
This realization didn't produce the feeling in me I would have liked it to. I'm scared. And I'm sort of upset about it.
As my Pastor talked about how soon Jesus may come back he said things like "Kids, some of you may not even graduate College. Some of you won't get married or have children."
"Wait God," I thought. "What's the deal? You know I want those things more than anything--"
Oh. Yikes.
Then I thought, "So what does this mean? All these passions I have, and the things I want to do are nothing? I just get jipped out of doing all that I can for you?"
I'm a pretty selfish person, aren't I?
And then I started thinking about how I'm kind of doing nothing for Jesus' kingdom. I need to start living. Cause I'm not living right now. I'm planning. I need to really get out there and let Jesus use me now. Because I may miss my chance. And that may upset me, but who am I to question the Most High? Who am I to let my fears get in the way of Him doing great things through me: Right now?

A few weeks ago I had an amazing God encounter, just praying to Him by myself. And one thing that He told me was: "Don't Be Afraid." At the time I thought He was talking about something else. But I see now that those words were meant for right now.
I need to surrender.
I need to not be afraid.
& I need to make sure that Jesus is my first love. Because, after today I can see that I've let Him slip down my list of priorities.